Review: Crash of the Titans
Sunday, April 25th, 2010Zeus is a dick. I saw the movie, and that’s what really jumped out a me. He’s not evil, though he is angry, but man… is he ever a dick. Example: According to the new version of Clash of the Titans, there was once a King named Cassius who led a rebellion against Olympus for reasons unknown. While the other gods wanted to eradicate those pesky human fleas, Zeus advocated an even crueler option: cuckolding. He disguised himself as Cassius’s wife, slept with her, then flew out through the window when he was found out. Presumably the high five with Ares was cut due to time constraints.
The movie follows the trials and tribulations of Perseus, the offspring off the above human-god mating. Twenty years later yet another king has decided that Gods are not Great and that humans will rebel against them to chart their own path, presumably because he wants to be cuckolded. He tears down a statue of Zeus, which results in an angry Hades being sent by Zeus to punish the vandals and then inform Argos that unless beautiful princess is sacrificed, the Krakenwill be unleashed. This would be bad, the Kraken essentially being the the Neutron Bomb of the Mediterranean.
Amid all this furor, Perseus loses his surrogate family to Hades rampage and is informed of his true, divine ancestry, which in turns leads him to join the squad being sent out to search for Anti-Kraken Missiles. He at first refuses to acknowledge his divine birthright, including a glowy sword and a matte black Pegasus (bringing the Sam Worthington Mutated Horse Count up to two), but later learns to embrace his rich daddy while hangout with the poor kids and fighting ‘the man’ (spiritually speaking). It’s almost a grecian version of Richie Rich, except that Richie’s friends spend their time trying to convince Richie of the true value of money, so maybe its more like Richie Rich as written by Ayn Rand.
Guff but lovable Zeus gives his own kid some help on the sly, and even his full support once he realizes that Hades has been egging him on for Hades own nefarious purposes, and man and god’s faith in each other is restored once again. Zeus even appears to be sorry for the beating he gave humanity in anger, one of the classic signs of a healthy relationship. So that’s alright then.
But we didn’t come to this movie for the story, we came for the sexy, sexy CGI ghoulies and ghosties. My favourite of these are the giant scorpions, who also evoked more pathos for me than any of the humans. The fight scenes are generally spectacular, with the Kraken stealing the show in all its tentacled, Cthulu-ish glory. For clarification, I did see this movie in 3d, and personally found it more enjoyable than Avatar (thought that may be because the film project was focused correctly for once). Also, Gemma Arterton is beautiful, especially in 3D.
All in all, I really did enjoy Clash of Titans. I wanted an action packed monster brawl fest, and thats what I got. Plus, even though the story was pretty dumb, its still proves that Greek priests knew how to put asses in pews. If a god today were to make a Kraken erupt from Lake Ontario, I wouldn’t only worship him (or her. It could be a Kraken-ess too for that matter) I’d give him a high five.